Yearning To Be

Again I find myself participating in the pain Olympics. The actions of those around me and my reactions to them have left me in a state of pain. Primarily anger truthfully. The plight of growing up Black and aware has robbed me of my childhood. I could not just be in many spaces. There was always something that I must be attentive to in order to survive or prevent the embarrassment of my family. Mistakes or mishaps available to my naive colleagues were not an option for me.

Often people referred to me as an old soul. A compliment, but I cringe at its true origins. I didn’t make myself this way on purpose. It’s a direct result of the burden of knowledge and expectation I carried as a child. Much of the unnecessary responsibility that my parents had to carry in their childhood was brought in to mine. By the age of 6 I had to be independent enough to walk across town to school every morning. A simple task but understanding the mind of the average 6 year old, makes me wonder why was this something I had to do. From my adult awareness, the sad reality was that my parents had time and financial struggles. Raising their child to be independent was out of necessity for their own ease. They needed their time to make money which would provide for me. But they were unable to give me much of either. I had, at the cost of being.

I wasn’t the only child living like this. Most of my Black friends lived in the same environment. We were mainly alone, and in many cases that connected us. We’d be the only 8 year olds in Burger King ordering food for ourselves after school. Other kids were scooped up my mommy and daddy, or walked home by a guardian. I looked down at them during the time lol. I saw immaturity and the inability to be sovereign. Little did I know they were just enjoying being a kid. At the heart of all this is the socioeconomic issues that Black people face.

In order to survive most Black and brown children must grow up extremely fast. I will end my piece on this today. I will not dig too deep and continue the negative cycle. This blog is an open journal of my emotions and state. Next step is to just be as an adult and enjoy life.

Written from my Cancer ♋️ heart, peace and love 🤎🤎