Procrastinators Just Need Support and Community
I am a former athlete turned desk-potato. From middle school to college I remained active in sports, mainly football and track. Engaging in sports depleted my energy but it was fun and it helped me build my discipline. For a while I attributed my discipline to my own will, “I was built different”.
My personal success in sports was because I was willing to work harder than others. In some cases that was true but it was not the full picture. In college before walking on to the football team I trained a lot by myself. It was a dreadful experience but I was commited to doing it. In my mind it clicked. It was a habit I built from my summers in high school training by myself every morning. Those mornings played a role in my future success but I failed to account for more vital information. Working out by myself was admirable but I wasn’t at my best. My best workouts came from when I had others beside me, pushing me, motivating me to do better. When I was alone it was a battle of will, and I did not always hold myself accountable to the full workout. I’d complete it but the push was not the same. Later down the line some family issues arose and I decided to leave sports entirely (another long story). When I left sports I felt relieved from not having to punish my body weekly. Immediately I could not see how this road would alter my future. With sports out the window I had more time to explore my self-interests and it was fun. I had a solid group of friends at the time that held me accountable to the work I started doing. That accountability seemed normal to me, I was a part of a group of highly functional people.
Once we all graduated and threw our caps in the air, I noticed my about a year later that my work meter would deplete. I wasn’t working out and I was not surrounded by highly functioning people. They were all a text message away, but a text message is not the same as having someone physically in your environment. Working out became a task, doing meaningful work regarding my passion was a task, everything became a task. I found myself doing nearly everything alone. I was across the country away from my previous network of friends and in a vast ocean of strangers, who were all looking for their piece of the pie or fame.
As work and my passions became more and more dreadful I turned on myself. “Weren’t you built different?”, I began to question myself a lot, especially when the pandemic hit and I had more time than I ever imagined to get things done. The energy and happiness was not there. The blame game continued, I had a large gun of disappointment aimed right at my head. I began to compare myself to my colleagues and friends. They were so much more happier than me, they were able to go on trips and afford things at the time I could not. This made me jealous and resentful. My situation was my fault. Things got dark and I tried to force things to happen for myself. I hopped from idea to idea just trying to make something shake. As I failed at more and more things I eventually hit a breakpoint in my life. I went into my shell and self-soothed through the use of my phone. I had no clue what to do anymore and defeat had taken over. My thoughts were small, I could not think outside of my current circumstances. To the outside world they saw I had many accomplishments. I traveled for work, I created my own schedule, I worked with brands and companies from all sizes and backgrounds.
The people I loved adored me, but I did not adore myself.
Through some personal reflection and reading I began to deal with the damage I’d done to my heart and ego. I was overly critical of everything I did. I landed on the conclusion that I was truly lazy and did not have the willpower to achieve. In reality, I lacked support. During the time of my life where success felt easy, I had the most support. With sports, I had teammates who suffered with me through the workouts lol, it drove me to keep going. When I built a video game entirely from scratch, I had roommates who checked up on me or helped me when I got stuck. I had people around that would join me in various aspects of my life. In reflection I could see how that made my life easier. Whether it was having someone in battle with me or a person who would help me tend to my wounds after a loss. Having people by your side is amazing. When your will can’t hold you up a strong community can!
Being aware of my need for community has opened up my mind to finding just that. Some of my close friends have moved onto different phases of their life. I cannot rely on all the people I was once in community with and that’s 100% okay. Everyone has there own trajectory, but as an adult I must do the work to the find the new people who can be by my side and who I can support as well. Being reliant on people can slow you down in some cases so I have gone to unconventional methods to find support. Using applications such as Focusmate — which I’m on right now lol, has helped me find new ways to create support for myself when my external environment cannot do that for me. For those who are on a similar journey as me, or feel like they are huge procrastinators, I hope this message can serve you. Don’t look at yourself as lazy or uncapable. You just need support. Especially if you grew up in an environment that promoted you do everything by yourself.
This was written directly from my Cancer ♋️ heart, peace and love 🖤🤎.
